HECK, YEAH. I’LL SWEAR FOR YOU!
I love sarcastic, foul-mouthed clients. I get to whip out my inner b*tch and tell it like it is.
I have my current heroes and favorites. And yes, it’s like having a favorite child (we’re not telling who that is, but they know), but I’m hungry for more.
I love out-of-the-box thinkers and humorous audacity. My team and I work for many different types of businesses, from restaurants to real estate, from podcasts to non-profits, and most of the time, we are prim and proper, very business-like, and don’t use swear words. We have a few outliers, but for certain, we’re ready for more…
WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?
I want a real estate agent who wants to tell the sarcastic truth about representing bottom-of-the-barrel properties. I want the guy or gal who isn't afraid to swear online. I want a Vinnie or Gina who is looking to be the big fish in a small pond brokering the dirt, not the structure. I want to work up their website and social media because I'm good at it and ready to tell the f*&%ing truth about listings. And because I'm super-tired of glossing over faults and writing glorious descriptions of mediocre properties. Land is expensive. Let's tell it like it is. Let’s make some sales while not bullsh*tting people.
I may be too wound around the axle about the political situation or just two too many Hostess Twinkies in beyond what I should be for writing a blog post, but Crikey, I just want to have fun by making someone sarcastically successful.
Sh*t, I’d give them a discount. I might even give them all my services for free.
2424 Darling Way, Darling Neighborhood, ST
2 Bed | 2 Bath | 2,300 SF | LOT: .25 Acre
The bottom of the barrel! We avoided listing this one, since it will take a miracle to sell but we don't like turning down a challenge. Sure, it has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a 2-car garage, and a pool in the highly-desirable Darling neighborhood. But beyond this, there’s nothing else that’s positive. Let's face it, you're buying this house for the dirt it's sitting on. And it's priced that way. If this house were in better shape, we'd have priced it a lot higher. The place is falling apart, quite honestly. They recently cleaned the pool, but little else. You might try gutting it, but until you can get a pest guy to inspect, we're thinking it's been a 24-hour 5-star buffet for termites. Really, you'll be remodeling with a bulldozer. Good luck with this pile of pitiful sticks because it hasn't been touched since its build date.
Here’s what we really wrote:
Location, location, location. This 1950's home has 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, a 2-car garage, a pool, but it really needs some love. The layout is great: formal living room, large formal dining, eat in kitchen, laundry room and den with wet bar. Everything is original. Two large bedrooms have enormous closets, and the primary bath has a separate tub and shower. Hardwood floors throughout under existing carpet. This home sits on a tree-lined street in the highly-desirable Darling neighborhood. Lots of families with children and 0.4 miles from Darling Heights Elementary. Great opportunity and endless possibilities for a heavy remodel or new construction.
Yeah, we actually threw up in our mouth a little. And not because we were making the house sound better than what it was (it was a train-wreck), but because our Realtor client had an opportunity to rock this listing like a hurricane and be original and different. They had a chance to put themselves out there on a property they KNEW was going to be bought over asking. They had a chance to have a personality. They didn’t take it.
This is a stock photo. This is not the actual property.
I’m in if you are.
Let’s be expressive and sarcastic.
Let’s be human and not just another glossy mannequin.
Let’s f*cking swear.
I dare you.
(PS. You don’t have to be a Realtor, if you’re a restaurant or anything else, we’s love to swear on your behalf.)